Forget all that stuff about camels and needles. Buy your way into Heaven. From The Times:

If you're thinking of shuffling off this mortal coil, it's best to be prepared. Funeral arrangements, wills and pre-emptive farewells to friends and family will make the end so much more ... reassuring. And now, to ease the passage into a stress-free afterlife, you can book a first-class ticket to Heaven. No more Judgment Day, no more temptation from the other place, no more tiresome queues at the Pearly Gates. For just $12.95 (£6), Heaven is but a ride away.

Edgar Kim and Nathan Davis of Tacoma, Washington State, the founders of the website reserveaspotinheaven.com, have done what many before them have failed to do: struck a deal with the Almighty. “We are the only official distributor of reservations into Heaven,” they maintain. “We are directly affiliated and sent down by the Board of Heavenly Officials, the only governing body in Heaven, to offer you one thing and one thing only: a worry-free, secure way into Heaven.”

So what will $12.95 get you? The essential travel kit: not only a first-class ticket to ride but an official Heaven Identification Card and a mini-information guide (so you can avoid culture shock). Upgrade to $15.95 and you can also obtain an all-access VIP pass (which includes admission to the Land of Milk and Honey).

And if damp conditions never did suit you, worry not. For exactly the same price you can swap hymns and the Bible for “shots and strippers” at reserveaspotinhell.com. With a 100 per cent money-back guarantee on all of packages, there's simply nothing to lose. Book now, or forever hold thy peace.