When the next generation leave school, armed with their Certificates of Happiness and starred A-grades in Issues-ology, what are they going to do? Why, learn some Key Competencies, of course, and get a National Vocational Qualification (NVQ) for doing so.

NVQs have a language all their own:

Units are the main subdivision of an NVQ, Elements break down the units into smaller manageable sections.

Performance criteria stipulate the evidence that must be provided to demonstrate that you can competently perform the specified activity.

Knowledge criteria are an essential part of the award and demonstrate that the individual has the underpinning knowledge to support their performance. You must show you are able to apply your knowledge in a variety of situations and environments.

These days you can get an NVQ in almost anything, from accountancy to hairdressing. Hairdressing requires a variety of performance criteria. You need to be able to understand people's problems, ask them where they are going for their holidays and who on earth cut their hair last time. Oh, and cut hair too. But before you get as far as that, you need to be able to wash hair, sweep the floor and make coffee. Shouldn't these be classified as sub-units, underpinning a hairdresser's competence? Shouldn't there be an NVQ in coffee-making? Or have I gone too far? From The Times:

Cornwall College has introduced an NVQ Level 2 in coffee-making, which involves 20 hours of tuition and is supposed to produce graduates a cut above the everyday Starbucks Barista. The delicate arts that many take for granted – boiling the kettle, pouring hot water, getting the quantity of milk right – will be recognised by a professional qualification and will equip West Country cafés with the nation’s best-served coffee. It will also give Cornwall a skills base that merits applause for capitalising on the UK’s willingness to fork out so much for something so simple.

I wonder what Dorothy Pentreath would have to say about that. Still, Cornish chat-up lines may get marginally less - er - corny: "Want to come upstairs for coffee? I've got NVQ Level 2."