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Saturday, 22 December 2007
Iowahawk: I Bring The Gift Of Me Bookmark and Share
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Iowahawk: A Holiday Message from the Burge-Goldstein Presidential Campaign

The holidays are a special time for all Americans. It is a time when we gather together with friends and neighbors to celebrate and share the festive spirit of the season. Some of us celebrate Christmas, some Kwanzaa or Eid; others, like my running mate Jeff Goldstein, Hannukah. In my family we gather around the p'canclhu, and re-enact the transmogrification of Loumbogu, the hundred-headed goat-thing of Su'yocra Tantchohg.

But no matter what traditions we follow, this is a time to look back on the many blessings we share as Americans. Like you, I am grateful for our freedoms and opportunities and material abundance. Above all, as a candidate for President of the United States, I am especially grateful for the opponents that our political process has provided me. Let's pour a glass of eggnog and gather by the fire for a review, shall we?

  Old CW

New CW

New New CW

Hillary Clinton

Unstoppable ice queen riding atop sedan chair to inevitable victory

Panic on the Titanic; staff eunuchs now flinging poo from the deck

YouTube and 50 cc's of Botox, stat!

Barack Obama

Audacious icon of hope with 100-watt smile

Hopefully
audacious Oprah studio giveaway

Stedman Graham, without the gravitas

John Edwards

Silky-smooth progressive Southern lawyer

Metrosexual millionaire ambulance chaser

Love child? Huh.. I assumed he was gay

Chris Dodd,
Joe Biden, Bill Richardson

Seasoned establishment DC solons


Clueless windbags good for filling
dead air at
debates

These people were actually elected to something?

Dennis Kucinich
Pixiesque voice of authentic antiwar liberalism
Roswell escapee

Santa Claus conquers the Martians

       

Mitt Romney

Handsome,
can-do moderate MassGov

Reverend Huck's personal pulpit
chew toy

Hugh still believes!

Mike Huckabee


Likeable governor with repertoire of tasty bass licks
The GOP Jimmy Carter The GOP Marshall Applewhite

Rudy Giuliani

Gutsy centrist Churchill of 9-11

9-11. 9-11!
Umm...9-11?

Anybody?
Hello?

Fred Thompson

The Barry White
of Conservative Alpha Males
Campaigning?
Alpha Males don't play that
Screw this, I got a Fall NBC series in development

John McCain


Maverick centrist war hero with Tim Russert on speed dial
Hundreds of media friends stumped by lack of traction Enjoy your gold watch with our deepest esteem

Ron Paul

Cranky libertarian iconoclast Unifying conscience of the insane left and insane right Mein fuhrer!

See what I mean?

But, as a candidate to be the President of all Americans, I also realize my list of scary, floundering, inept blessings are not equally shared by all. That's why I would like to present a special gift to you: the gift of me, candidate Dave. Sure, you're saying, "I could find a better president than you by randomly picking through the phone book." Maybe, but there's also an outside chance that the name you randomly pick out of the phone book might be one of the names above, and is that really a risk you're willing to take?

Oh, I realize I might not seem like much of a gift at this point, like those 3-packs of tube socks and fruitcakes you'll be throwing in the Christmas garbage next week. But when you get inside that voting booth next year and read the slate of alternatives, you'll be grateful you packed me away in the closet for an emergency write-in.

And next December, when you turn on the TV and see my U-Haul pulling up to the White House, and the panic starts setting in again, just come back to this post and consider what might have been.

Happy Holidays!

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Posted on 12/22/2007 11:06 AM by Rebecca Bynum
Comments
22 Dec 2007
Send an emailHugh Fitzgerald
But Elmo Tanner and his running mate, whom we last heard from in New Mexico, have now noticed that campaign activities are swirling all around them, and soon will be returning to the Whistlestop Campaign that began some weeks ago with such unforgettable��lan.



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The Thinking Person's Safari
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