Tommy Cooper, thou shouldst be living at this hour:

There was this man standing on a window ledge on a high building.
If he fell, it would be curtains.
If he fell the other way, he'd be dead.
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Cos it's strange, isn't it.  You stand in the middle of a library
and go 'Aaaaaaagghhhh!' and everyone just stares at you.
But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.
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He said, "I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser
legs and put it in a library."
I thought, "That's a turn-up for the books."
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And the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were
chucking money to him.  I said, "Do you earn a living doing that?"
He said, "Yes, this is my livelihood."
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So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me, "Can you give me a
lift?"  I said, "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it."
You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.  They left
a little note on the windscreen, it said, "Parking Fine."  So that was nice.
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So I went down my local ice-cream shop, and said, "I want to buy an
ice-cream". He said, "Hundreds & thousands?"  I said, "We'll start
with one." He said, "Knickerbocker glory?"  I said, "I do get a
certain amount of freedom in these trousers, yes."
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I went to Millets and said, "I want to buy a tent."  He said, "To
camp?". I said [butchly], "Sorry, I want to buy a tent." 
I said, "I also want to buy a caravan."
He said, "Camper?"
I said [camply], "Make your mind up."
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So I went to the dentist.  He said, "Say Aaah." I said, "Why?"
He said, "My dog's died."
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Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they?  The one I
was in went back and forwards.  I thought, "This is unusual".  And
the dentist said to me, "Mr Cooper, get out of the filing cabinet."
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So I got home, and the phone was ringing.  I picked it up, and said,
"Who's speaking please?"  And a voice said, "You are."
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So I rang up my local swimming baths.  I said, "Is that the local
swimming baths?"  He said, "It depends where you're calling from."
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So I rang up a local building firm, I said, "I want a skip outside
my house." He said, "I'm not stopping you."
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Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese.  And there are 5
people in my family, so it must be one of them.  It's either my mum
or my dad. Or my older brother Colin.  Or my younger brother
Ho-Cha-Chu.  But I think it's Colin.
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So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up,
and he said, "You've been promoted."  And I swerved.  And then he
rang up a second time and said, "You've been promoted again."  And
I swerved again.  He rang up a third time and said, "You're managing
director." And I went into a tree.  And a policeman came up and
said, "What happened to you?"  And I said
"I careered off the road."
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Guy goes into the doctor's.  "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up
my arse" "How's that?"  "Don't you start"
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A guy gets shipwrecked. When he wakes up, he's on a beach.
The sand is purple.  He can't believe it. The sky is purple. He
walks around a bit and sees  that  there is purple grass, purple
birds and purple fruit on the purple trees.  He's shocked when
he finds that his skin is starting to turn purple too.  "Oh no!" he
says, "I think I've been marooned!"
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"Doctor, I can't pronounce my F's, T's and H's."
"Well you can't say fairer than that then."
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A woman in a supermarket sees a deal offering 5 boxes of tampax for
1 pound. She can't believe how good the deal is and asks the manager
"is this deal correct?" "Yes madam, 5 boxes for a pound, no strings
attached."
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"Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home."
"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."  "Is it common?"
"It's not unusual."
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Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy said to Dolly
"I was artificially inseminated this morning."  "I don't believe
you," said Dolly "It's true, straight up, no bull!"
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A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only clingfilm for shorts.
The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
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A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.  "My dog's cross-eyed, is
there anything you can do for him?"  "Well," says the vet, "let's
have a look at him."  So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes,
then checks his teeth.  Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put
him down."  "What? Because he's cross-eyed?"
"No, because he's bloody heavy."