The Times asks readers to write in with modern-day dilemmas. First the columnist, Joe Joseph, answers, then readers can write in and give their views. Here, from yesterday's Times, is a one such dilemma:

My partner’s parents are joining us for what will be our second Christmas as a couple. I am a vegetarian. But my partner wants to cook a turkey, as his parents are traditionalists. He has vetoed my offer to create a stunning vegetarian alternative, or for us to eat at a restaurant. I dread the contamination of our oven and fridge. Should I go cold turkey with my beliefs, or stick to my guns?

My first thought was: how on earth did such a selfish, prissy prig manage to get a partner of any kind? The normally sensible Joe Joseph starts his answer well:

I can’t truthfully say that it would be the highlight of my Christmas day to sit down to eat a “turkey” created out of a collage of carefully assembled carrots, broccoli florets, peanuts and soya beans, like one of those paintings by Arcimboldo. That’s partly because it has now become a firm tradition to celebrate the birth of Jesus by consuming something from every known food group, including animal protein, smoked orange fish, vegetables, Advocaat, silver sixpences, small cracker toys, peppermint creams and liver salts.

So far so good. But then it's downhill:

Then again, I’m not your partner; or his parents. If I were, I would let you have your way, since the sacrifice would be smaller on my part than on yours; and I would be so gracious about my concession that I would not even remind you more than three times a week for the following year of my selfless nature.

Nonsense. The vegetablist is the one with the cranky ideas. She should be the one to suffer for them. Why should normal, red-blooded carnivores pander to these carrot-chomping tyrants? Writing in the next day, a reader agrees with me:

The traditional turkey dinner is, to most people, an important part of the day’s festivities. Do not foist your selfish views on to your partner’s parents. Cook a nut roast for one.

Quite so.

Not all vegetablists are cranks, but - well, put it this way, many Esperantists are vegetablists. As well as being inconvenient for the rest of us, vegetarianism is utterly pointless, for, as I wrote in my article Bossom, it is neither one thing nor the other:

Vegetarians are a pain at dinner parties, forcing decent omnivores to eat like rabbits or the host to cook extra food. They are also a pain in restaurants, which now must include vegetarian dishes at the expense of other meat dishes. Really, vegetarians should stay at home, but they don’t. London is heaving with them. While failing to make decent guests, they also fail to make a difference to animal welfare. Movements for “cruelty-free” meat, such as Compassion in World Farming, could make a difference. But the world is not going to become vegetarian and nor should it. Moreover, a vegetarian who eats dairy products condemns male calves to slaughter. And what is a vegetarian who doesn’t eat dairy products? A vegan. Vegans are whey-faced, cadaverous lunatics, but they are consistent. Sorry, veggies, you are neither one thing nor the other. Eat meat or go the whole hog and be a vegan.

If I have offended any vegetarian readers, I'm doing them a favour. Martyrdom goes with the territory.