William McGonagall's poems have plodded across these pages before, as has his play Jack o’ the Cudgel (or The Hero of a Hundred Fights):

Set in the court of Edward III, it tells the story of Jack, a “noble Saxon” who rises from pauper to royal knight and vanquishes his enemies by clubbing them over the head with an enormous cudgel. In one memorable scene, he stops a giant from attacking a minstrel, declaring: “Leave the minstrel, thou pig-headed giant, or I’ll make you repent/For thou must know my name is Jack, and I hail from Kent.”

Upon learning of Jack’s heroics, the King summons him to his court and makes him a knight.

He tells him: “Sir Jack, I give thee land to the value of six hundred marks/In thine own native county of Kent, with beautiful parks/Also beautiful meadows and lovely flowers and trees/Where you can reside and enjoy yourself as you please.”

These days would-be artists do not die poor for lack of talent; in fact a folio of thirty-five McGonagall poems, signed by the author, has just been sold at auction for £6,000. In his lifetime, however, McGonagall was paid only for one poem: an advertisement for Sunlight Soap:

You can use it with great pleasure and ease
Without wasting any elbow grease;
And when washing the most dirty clothes
The sweat won’t be dripping off your nose
You can wash your clothes with little rubbing
And without scarcely any scrubbing
And I tell you once again without any joke
There’s no soap can surpass Sunlight Soap
And believe me, charwomen one and all
I remain yours truly, the Poet McGonagall

Well, it beats "A Mars a day helps you work rest and play," and is probably more accurate than this, or its German counterpart.