I saw a television programme the other evening decrying the beauty industry. Creams and lotions, costing £100 a pot, promise to reduce “the appearance of” wrinkles. For legal reasons which remain obscure to me, the manufacturers are not allowed to claim that they reduce the wrinkles themselves. Presumably the wrinkles are still there, but cunningly disguised as non-wrinkles.

“Experts” were wheeled in, one of whom made the common-sense observation that the magic potions were a waste of money. Wrinkles or lack of them are mainly determined by your genes and by the amount of time you spend in the sun. The dermatologist went on to say that if you look at your face in the mirror, then look at your buttocks, your face will look about ten years older. That’s right. In a bizarre variation on Oscar Wilde’s Picture of Dorian Gray, it may be possible to have the buttocks of an ingénue and the face of an old trout.

Strangely enough, it has never occurred to me to compare my face with my buttocks. But if I did, I would like to think that my face would come off better. Besides, one is not comparing like with like. Or is one? Cue for an old joke:

A man was becoming very agitated about not having had a date in quite some time. He was getting worried that he might never find a mate. In the hope of finding a solution to his problem, he decided that it was time to see a doctor. Looking through the phone book, he came upon a Chinese sex therapist named Dr. Chang.

On arrival he told the doctor his symptoms. The doctor said "Take off all your crothes and you crawl velly fass away from me across the froor". He crawled to the other side of the room and Dr.Chang said "Now...you crawl velly fass back to me", and he did. Dr. Chang shook his head and said, "you haf velly bad case of Zachary's Disease....worse case I ever see! That why you haf sex plobrem". The man was completely confused and asked the doctor exactly what Zachary's Disease was and he replied, "Zachary's Disease.... your face ZACHARY like your arse.”

Some women, and increasingly men, use botox as a way of looking younger. Their face is injected with botulism, and the muscles paralysed, so that they can neither smile nor frown. Why anyone thinks this is attractive is beyond me. In any case, botox is the wrong drug. Introducing …[drum roll]…butox. The cream that makes you look ten years younger. Yes, use it regularly and your face will look “Zachary like your arse”.

Update: No, that's your elbow.