A Bishop and Three Pawns

by G. Murphy Donovan (March 2012)

Ron Paul

foreign policy.

Newt Gingrich

Gingrich doesn’t make the cut either. His parents are mostly to blame. Who names a child Newt? If you’re going to name your kids after slippery critters; why not something dignified like “Escargot?” Americans, even Georgia Republicans, seldom vote for amphibians.

On the plus side, Newt is a fearless orator and an accomplished inside-the-beltway knife fighter. Unfortunately, he has way too many academic degrees and comes across like a pedantic Trojan horse. Scratch an academic and you usually find a guy who voted for Ted Kennedy or Eliot Spitzer.

historian. At no time in American history has there been a greater need, or opportunity, for a politician who has amnesia. Newt’s not that guy.

Mitt Romney

vice is nice.

polygamy issue early. To understand the saints, one must appreciate the great divide; a world separated into so-called mainstream Mormons (aka streamers) and plural marriage crackers (aka polygs – a colloquialism for polygamist, pronounced ‘poo-legs’). The polygs are sometimes known as fundamentalist saints (FLDS)

Brodie</a>; the apostate Joseph Smith biographer who was excommunicated for making too many rude inquiries about these matters.

one who tithes. Temple pews are reserved for the 60% who cough up the ten percent. Mainstreamers are saved and go to heaven. The Jacks, well, they have to make do with an ‘83 Ford 150 and a six pack of pokes – in this world. Back in the day, before saints closed the saloons out West, a “poke” was a bag of gold dust on the bar; today, in rural Zion, the whisky’s gone and a poke is a …well, you get the idea. If the truth be told, jack polygs are closer to Joe Smith (34 wives) and Brig Young (53 wives) than they are to the Reid and Romney crowd.  

priapic priests. Fair is fair! The prophets of Salt Lake don’t know any more about child abuse than the Archbishops of Boston.

propagates the faith – as it should be.

good. Strike three, Bishop!

Rick Santorum

Senator Santorum never got to be a Catholic priest, but he may be the most clueless candidate on the stump this year. In a few short months, he has alienated men who fancy men, the American Kennel Club, selfish urban white women, and all those African Americans girls who will never matriculate at Brigham Young University.

rate for big city (NYC) blacks and a 40% rate for whites doesn’t get it. Only when these gals get their abortion numbers up to 75% and 50% respectively will a Gonzales find enough votes to make it off the lawn and into the Oval Office.

Cheers for Four More Years

So there you have it. There are no good Republican prospects. This year, the presidential election, in the interests of economy, ought to be cancelled. Barack Hussein Obama should be coronated by acclamation.

G. Murphy Donovan writes frequently about politics and national security. He never reads hate mail.

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