Parade’s Mend: a Cultural Conundrum and a Code of Conduct

by Alexander Zubatov (August 2013)

I want to start by discussing an old novel and then proceed to discuss an old problem which, more like a fine fix than a fine wine, just keeps on getting worse as it gets older. The old novel, on the other hand, has not lost an iota of its greatness and is, as I hope you will shortly discover, more relevant than it ever was.

One could welcome such developments as sanguine signs that restrictive social barriers are finally coming down, that race and sex and class are no longer as socially salient as they once were, that our society is becoming more socially, if not economically, fluid and integrated at last. One could think such things, however, only if one ignored the glaring fact that the direction of the change is a downward spiral, that if we are becoming more and more alike, it is only because, in the absence of any prevailing social standards to command our respect or even our attention, we are all becoming increasingly more uncouth, uncivil, unmanageable and amoral. What is happening, in short, is not integration but mongrelization.

Shouting is useful when you need to call for help. Otherwise, speak at a volume no louder than necessary to communicate. Your conversation might be interesting, but someone else may, rightly or wrongly, not be interested.

Your music is your music. It is not necessarily beloved by all. Keep it (and videos and video games) at a volume such that it is no more than barely audible (or, better yet, such that it is inaudible) to others.

Do not spit, belch, gurgle, pass gas, pick your nose, bite your nails, urinate, defecate, masturbate or perform any other unseemly bodily functions.

Do not bully, threaten, taunt, mock, incite, insult or aim to offend. If you do any of these things unintentionally, apologize.

Do not proselytize either for or against any religious viewpoint. Religion (or lack thereof) is between you and your God(s) (or lack thereof).

Do not vandalize, deface or damage persons or property.

Upon greeting or parting with someone who is not already a good friend, intimate acquaintance or family member, do not fist-pump, chest-bump, high-five, hug, headbutt, back-slap, butt-slap or do anything other than nodding your head, waving, speaking (respectfully), kissing on the cheek or shaking hands.

When you walk, do not make a spectacle of yourself. Unless you have a relevant medical condition, do not limp, lurch, strut, swagger or sway from side to side.

If you can help it, do not reek.

If you see others violating any of the provisions of this code, say something if you think you can do so safely and respectfully. And, above all, do not encourage them.

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