Sex & More

by Jeffrey Zable (August 2025)

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Sex
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It’s pretty obvious that people will say just about anything
to acquire it from another. They will say things like I love you!
when they don’t really mean it, or I’m willing to pay you
if that’s what you require. And even I’ll give you a role
in my new television series if you’ll grant me this one favor.
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It seems that the desire for it is so strong among people
that they will even practice it on themself until they can
find someone to do it with.
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I’m convinced that this need is just a part of the human condition
once a person reaches a certain age.
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That there isn’t much anyone can do about it except try not
to get caught with one’s pants down in the wrong place
at the wrong time…
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How I see Myself
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I never said that the world was round, but I did say that Chris Columbo
was not a nice guy: mean and cruel toward the Indians, and even us
if we didn’t follow his orders to a T.
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Because of this, when we got back home, I made it a point to buy
a different salami than Columbo, which probably tasted just as good,
and in general made me feel that I was being true to myself
and my own values.
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In addition, I will say that I’ve never respected someone
just because they were brave and knew how to manipulate others.
Of course, some would say that underneath I was really jealous
of alpha males— which could have some validity, but in most respects,
I don’t believe so.
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I’ve always leaned toward introverted people who were sensitive,
kind, and gentle, which is pretty much how I see myself…
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A Little Personal History
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Many years ago I made my living as a jester—a fool,
if you will. I’d paint my face rainbow colors and dance
in a muumuu that was at least five sizes too large for my body—
the only thing holding it up were the strings that went around
my shoulders and under my armpits.
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The music that I danced to was anything from organ grinder music,
to ragtime, to what might be considered Argentine Tango.
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After each dance my little monkey named Bobo would go around
with a tin can, and we always made enough to survive another day
in our slum hotel.
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All in all, it was a lonely life, even though there were lots of people
that I knew and would talk to, often with Bobo in my arms or standing
by my side— a faithful companion—yet I knew he’d have been better off
among those of his kind…
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Considering All This
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One reason I wouldn’t kill someone I didn’t like
is because I’d probably feel a bit guilty afterwards.
I’d likely say to myself, “I should have tried to be tolerant
of that person, as doing so would have helped me to grow
in character!”
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Another reason that comes to mind with regard to why
I wouldn’t kill someone that I didn’t like is that I’d fear
that the person’s spirit would come back to haunt me.
That it would appear in my dreams night after night,
making me awaken in a sweat—forcing me to change
my pajamas.
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Another significant factor influencing why I wouldn’t
kill someone I didn’t like is because there might be
someone who liked them who would try to seek revenge
by attacking me when I least expected it.
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Considering all this, I have to think there are plenty
of people out there who refrain from killing others
for some of the same reasons…
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The Fateful Encounter
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—Running into God at the meat market in Safeway, all I could think
of saying was, “Who would have guessed that you shopped here too!”
—“I heard that steak was on sale today, so like everyone else I figured
I’d take advantage of it! Of course, I don’t buy the best cut, so I never
feel more special than your average person!”
—“That’s very noble of you!” I responded, “but I have no doubt there
are millions who can’t afford any cut at all!”
—“Do you really believe so?” he asked with a concerned expression.
—“I have no doubt about it!” I answered.
—With that, God lowered his head, thanked me, and went on his way.
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Not Worth Very Much
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“I’d say that the best part of me is my derriere!” the female rat
said to her new acquaintance, who responded, “Isn’t derriere
a French word for buttocks?”
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“I’m originally from France,” she answered. “Stowed away
on a ship that came into New York harbor. From there
I sneaked out, sought other French speaking rats, and slowly
but surely learned enough of your language to get by.
Of course, I’m still learning, as well as trying to make a name
for myself as I can sing, dance, and juggle six peanuts at once…
and, as I said, my derriere is something that a lot of rats seem
to focus on when I’m out and about.”
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“That’s a fascinating story!” the other responded. “I sure wish
I had a derriere of note! All I can say is that I’m smart, sensitive,
and faithful, which, in a world like this really isn’t worth very much.”
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My Relationship with Lin Guini
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—We were a couple for a while, but in the end there just wasn’t enough
to sustain us. I admit the most difficult part for me was her insistence
that we eat Italian food for every meal. This was the case whether I ate
with her at her apartment—in which case she cooked the food—or whether
we went out to a restaurant.
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—On the rare occasion when I’d say something like, “How about a hamburger
and fries for a change!?” she’d look at me disdainfully and answer, “You know
full well I don’t eat garbage like that!”
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—And so, it was always Risotto, Lasagna, Spaghetti, Tortellini, Gnocchi,
or some other Italian dish.
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—I admit it got to a point in which just the thought of eating more Italian food
made me feel sick to my stomach. Not only that. . . it made me feel so resentful
I thought of breaking up with her.
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—The only reason I put up with her obsession was because we had a few
other aspects to our relationship that worked well. It was always a pleasure
to sit with her in the park close by her apartment and look up at the stars at night.
Doing so seemed to bring out the best in both of us. And we both loved to ride
our bicycles to the recycling center to deliver the numerous cans and bottles
we’d collected during a given month.
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—And speaking of time—all told—we were together for close to eleven months,
but one night we had a complete falling out—an event that I will never forget,
nor forgive.
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—I had told her in advance that my parents were coming to visit from Germany—
that I wanted her to meet them and we would all go out to dinner. I explained
that my parents’ favorite food was sauerkraut and that we would be going
to a restaurant in town which I heard had the best German food in the area.
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—Thinking this one time—under the circumstances—she would accommodate me,
I was completely taken back when she responded, “I told you before that I never
eat garbage! I’ll meet them another time because I’m surely not going to a restaurant
and have to smell something like that!”
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—Looking at her with an expression of dismay, all I could think of saying was,
“You are the most thoughtless and inconsiderate person I’ve ever known!”
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—Shaken to the core, I put on my coat and left her place, never to see her again…
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