by G. Murphy Donovan (March 2020)
The Medicine Show, Jack Levine
The difference between a lie and a cat is the cat only has nine lives. –Mark Twain
Woke is trending.
“Woke” is the quam perfectum of politically correct, for those of you who have been asleep since 2016. You know who you are. If you still can’t recognize a pink pussy hat or an urban cry for help, you’re sleepwalking. White male privilege is at the heart of the unwoke trifecta: political narcolepsy, civic somnambulism, and social cataplexy.
Alas, the great American divide between the woke and the unwoke is now so broad that bicoastal, bisexual, and urban demographics are bisecting to form a new political party and country. Wokestan aspires to be an ecumenical urban archipelago with safe spaces for victims and barnacles of all colors, creeds, sexes, and needs.
The Wokers Party administers a secure website, Crapchat, where all complaints, grievances, whines and relevant reports of white privilege, collusion, male malfeasance, predation, and exploitation can be preserved, cross indexed, and distributed to the DNC, Rachel Maddow, Al Sharpton, urban media, and the Corporation for Public Broadcasting.
Wokestan is an extra special safe space for snowflakes.
Identity politics and globalism are the only politics allowed for wokers. All vestiges of patriotism, nationalism, heterosexuality, sexism, or success of any kind are verboten.
Wokestanis from; Code Pink, ANTIFA, the Rainbow Coalition, the NAACP, CNN, CPB, the YMCA, the Nation of Islam, the Council on Foreign Relations, the Boy Scouts, the Catholic Bishop’s Conference, the Democrat National Committee, Ben & Jerry’s, and Starbucks are represented on the new refugee screening board.
Any adult who voted Democrat in the three Clinton, or two Obama, presidential elections is automatically eligible for a Wokers Party card. Immigrant, homeless, sexually ambiguous, felon, Me-Too, Muslim, and ISIS demographics are eligible for green cards, fast track citizenship, American, and Wokestani passports.
All other aspiring Wokers must first pass a civic awareness test administered by the San Francisco based California Animal Farm and Rescue Team (CAFART).
Test questions are available below or at the CAFART website. The test may be taken monthly and as often as necessary to wake up.
No alarm clocks, caffeine, or cell phones allowed.
You are certifiably “woke” if you agree with and check “yes” to the following axioms of American social catechism:
- Trump is guilty.
- The Bidens are innocent.
- Cursive is a waste of time.
- Plus size doesn’t mean fat.
- Deplorables should not have the vote.
- Twerking should be an Olympic sport.
- Obama made Harvard Law Review on merit.
- The minimum wage should be set by employees.
- A toilet seat left at 12 o’clock is a micro aggression.
- Stoned and boned should be part of frosh orientation.
- Edible panties should only be served as a warm dessert.
- Your car and bedroom toys should run on AA batteries.
This test is not multiple choice.
You are all in or all out. Being unwoke is no joke. Ninety-five percent is the minimum passing grade on the CAFART test. With a passing grade, you are eligible to nominate politically correct axioms directly to CAFART, at #WTF followed by three exclamation points (that is, “#WTF!!!”).
Wokestanies of the world, unite!
G. Murphy Donovan usually tries to write about things that matter.
Follow NER on Twitter @NERIconoclast