by John M. Joyce
A lot of British people are very confused about the political situation in the U.S.A. so I thought I would explain things to them in simple terms.
But before I start to teach them the basic facts of American political life, and just for your interest, you Americans who might read this should know a thing or two about British politics.
First off let me tell you that there are many political parties in the U.K. but that there are only two Political Parties – the Terrors and Lie-bore.
The Terrors are currently in power but Lie-bore say they really won the last general election and their living prophet, called Germy Combine who, until recently, led the Lie-bore Party, should be the Prim Monster. Regrettably he has been replaced by Sir Careless Stormtrooper whose avowed intent is to have no Momentum in politics at all.
This offends the “Harvesters”, Germy Combine’s supporters (who only fly on planes that have one wing, the left one), who believe that they should have been given the Momentum to rule. They feel that they were cheated at the last general election, as I said, by not having Germy Combine elevated . . . damn it! I meant elected . . . to the office of Prim Monster. It’s obvious to them that “the people” got it wrong again, as they always do (see Brexit).
Anyway, every so often the British people vote for Mummers-with-Parament called M.P.s whose primary function is to ignore, and seek to overturn, the wishes of “the people” because, as is well known, “the people” are always wrong. At the last election “the people” got it completely wrong and elected the Terrors.
That means that the Prim Monster became Boris Godunov, the first non-Rurikid Prim Monster and responsible for ushering in the Time of Troubles by using nineteen covins to infect everything he touches. He is ably assisted by the Pretty Petal (a.k.a. Patella goddess of the home office) and an ornamental garden plant called a Rich Old Sumac, which is an absolute Treasure and thrives anywhere.
Enough of that, I need to get on and explain American politics to the many Brits who are watching the U.S.A.’s election processes with sadness and alarm but above all else, confusion; after all, their system is so very simple as I’ve just explained. It seems to them that the Americans are wandering complacently into their general election with their eyes firmly fixed on that putative saviour, that great hope whom they seem to think will take them all to a place in the broad, sunlit uplands, that habitual promise-maker, that more than a man – The Glorious Biden known to one and all as Epic Joe. Of course his real name is Babbling Biden The Bizarre Bullshitter, but don’t let that put anyone off.
It seems to my fellow Brits that The Glorious Biden will win, of course, because beatific saviours of mankind, American-kind at any rate, always win. They wear white hats so they must win, mustn’t they? If it looks as if they won’t then all sorts of things have to be manipulated to make sure that they do – the media, the opinion polls, votes, the electoral college, the police, the courts, even lawbreakers and rioters. Indeed anything and everything that needs to be modified to ensure the Epic Joe’s win will be changed, and that is right and proper and as it should be.
Manipulation is the correct thing to do, you see, because, as most of you now know, and as I made plain earlier, “the people” cannot be trusted to make the correct decision. The right outcome is, of course, the elevation . . . sorry, the election I meant to say (I keep doing that and I don’t know why) . . . of The Glorious Biden and his sidekick The Magnificent Scybala-Kamala known to her followers, who call themselves the Great Unfooled, as the Apostle of the Unhinged or, much more simply, Ohmigod Harris. Any other result is unthinkable, an offence against nature, a sin so original that it runs counter to reality.
Epic Joe The Saviour and The Magnificent Scybala-Kamala will lead all Americans into the Land of Wonderful Woke the moment The Glorious Biden is elevated . . . sorry, I did it again, I meant elected . . . as a Permanent Paramount Potus and The Scybala Kamala takes charge of the nation as his only Vice. Supported by THE PARTY, a.k.a. the Dandy Dazzling Dems, she will make sure that peace reigns (using any means necessary) and that there is a proper shift of wealth and property to the most deserving among the Great Unfooled.
By the way, almost every Dandy Dazzler is called Mark after their prophet Curly Marks who wrote their holy book entitled “That’ll Cap It All”. Their religion is called Markshitism and collectively the believing Dandy Dazzlers are often called Markshits.
Anyway, the Dandy Dazzling Markshits will aid The Magnificent Scybala-Kamala’s redistributive efforts. It’s obvious, as I’m sure you can see, that they know best who is deserving of largesse and who has too much. Rest assured that they will follow the rules that they have laid down for themselves and only remove excess wealth from those who don’t have it.
It is an article of their most joyous and enlightened faith that all white males have too much no matter what they do or where they live. Some black males who have dared to copy the white males’ striving also have too much and must be taught the error of their ways – and the Dandy Dazzling Markshits have many wonderful and kind ways to reduce them to the straightened and narrow.
It is comforting to know that you will find Dandy Dazzling Markshit Dems almost everywhere and where they cannot reach then you will find their close friends the Repulsive Representative Dems. A lot of the Repulsive Representative Dems live in a House in a place called Washington-dizzy where they spend their time learning Chinese and encouraging the Dandy Dazzlers to dream up even better ways to persuade everyone to follow The Glorious Biden and The Scybala-Kamala to the Land of Wonderful Woke.
The Repulsive Representative Dems are led by an aged Chieftainess called Noxious Nancy, who often goes by the more formal name of Paltry Pelosi. A ‘pelosi’ is American cod Italian for the hairy monster that is used to scare people who are not yet Dandy Dazzling Markshits into mending their ways: consequently her nickname – “hairy motherf-----”.
Noxious Nancy’s lack of intellect is often obscured, thank goodness, by her complete inability to get to grips with the nuances of the English language (a deficit and a fault that is similar to The Glorious Biden’s own inability, which proves, yet again, that imitation is the sincerest form of flattery). She is often reduced to ripping up pieces of paper in public in order to assuage her impotent, but hairy, rages.
The rump of the Repulsive Representative Dems are more correctly known as the Rabid Representative Dems and most of them live in fifty Houses in a place called Statecapital. They also spend their time learning Chinese (and sometimes Korean – specifically North Korean).
Apart from that they plot and scheme in order to keep the general population at home and cut off from the world so that “the people” can enjoy a lot of peace and quiet in which they can learn to love The Glorious Biden and The Scybala-Kamala and practice following them to the Land of Wonderful Woke.
When the Rabid Representative Dems need more to occupy themselves with they make long speeches encouraging their local Dandy Dazzlers, often known as Cockeyed Councildems, to de-police the funding – particularly the funding for all things painted green or for anything sponsored by the Backward Loathsome Mumpers (BLM – staunch and true believing Dandy Dazzlers who, like the Thuggees, worship fire and violence, and also Curly Marks, and who believe that they and they alone can save mankind from destruction by the primal urges everyone but them has succumbed to).
Naturally there are evil opponents of The Glorious Biden and The Scybala-Kamala. They are called Righteous Repubs and they are, according to the Dandy Dazzling Markshits, all Lycans. The average Righteous Repub Lycan is, so the Repulsive Representative Dems say, a creature of the most fearsome mien and something to be feared. It is said that they have weird articles of faith such as beliefs in the rule of law, free speech, self control, politeness, one man one vote and no cheating, honest and politically neutral judges, the Constitution and its Amendments, freedom of conscience and religion, and the equality of all people, to name but a few.
Obviously those beliefs are completely wrongheaded and the Backward Loathsome Mumpers point that out by screaming angrily straight into the face of anybody who disagrees (screaming angrily in public is a type of worship chanting used by them). In addition they claim that such beliefs simply won’t work in the Land of Wonderful Woke and that that proves how wrong they are. The Righteous Repub Lycans say that that’s the wrong way round and that their belief in those things actually proves that the Land of Wonderful Woke is a mythical place.
Any Righteous Repub Lycan who says that has to be destroyed – “cancelled” as the Dandy Dazzling Markshit Dems call it – before the innocent (read: under-educated) among the Dazzling Markshits get too upset and lose sight of the road to the Land of Wonderful Woke.
Of course Righteous Repub Lycans can see and understand the road to the Land of Wonderful Woke very easily because it’s yellow and made out of bricks and not in a Can’s Ass any more (I’ve no idea what that means, dear Brits, you’ll have to ask an American, but it’s what they always say about brick roads, especially yellow ones, so I thought I’d put it in to keep them happy).
Some Righteous Repub Lycans are Sennapods and live in a house in Washington-dizzy right next door to the house that the Repulsive Representative Dems live in. Needless to say there’s a lot of antagonism between the inhabitants of the two houses.
The biggest bone of contention between the two groups is the unique fruits that Repulsive Representative Dems and many of the Dandy Dazzling Markshits need to eat to stay alive. These can only be supplied by the Sennapods and nobody else. These fruits are a type of very, very small Persian apple called “Imp Peaches”. However, Repulsive Representative Dems and Dandy Dazzler Markshits cannot be satisfied no matter how many Imp Peaches they consume because all their appetites are continuously being stimulated by the sound of a Trumpeter who lives close by.
The Trumpeter plays his instrument sixteen hundred times a day at the end of an avenue (Pencil Mania Avenue, named for the famous draughtsman and architect FLloyd Write) that leads to the Repulsive Representative Dems favourite haunt – Cap-it-all-Hill (strangely, not named after Curly Marks’ holy book but a co-incidence that Dazzling Markshits rather like, nonetheless). There on that hill the Repulsive Representative Dems believe that they have found the gateway to The Land of Wonderful Woke.
It is there, also, that they want to institute a state religion – Markshitism. They plan to erect memorials to Curly Marks and his holy book “That’ll Cap It All” on the Notional Mill – a revered building on the Potty Muck River in Washington-dizzy that, according to the Backward Loathsome Mumpers was built by Slavs forcibly taken from Ally-Asked-Her-State (a well known Sarahpalindrome) in the far north-west, which is next to the place called Candida where millions of thrushes live on a very large Mountie called Log On. (Mountie Log On is the tallest Mountie in Candida.)
Along with the Backward Loathsome Mumpers they want to remove all the other monuments that adorn the Notional Mill, but they know that that will take some time because there are one thousand six hundred and nineteen of them.
Backward Loathsome Mumpers don’t like anything to do with Slavs but pretend that they are not anti-Russian, and therefore Backward Loathsome Mumpers are believed by Dandy Dazzling Markshits to be very fashionable and cool. Righteous Repub Lycans think they are simply racy, and nasty about Slavs, and so shouldn’t be listened to.
Dandy Dazzlers in general are discouraged from reading Curly Marks holy book “That’ll Cap It All” in case they discover its secret. (It’s simply a second rate work of rather painstakingly simplistic philosophy that is actually almost a hundred and fifty years out of date, but shhh, don’t tell anyone.) According to true believing Dandy Dazzling Markshits only they can safely read the holy book and interpret its message for the present day.
Such true believers have appointed themselves the high priests and priestesses of Markshitism and Wokeness (belief in the Land of Wonderful Woke) and they gather for prayer meetings and ritual “cancellations” in a small village called Socialmedia on the shores of Lake Magician (MI). Inevitably, of course, some have been known to gather by the side of Lake Superior in a somewhat desperate attempt at boosting their self image.
Wherever the Dandy Dazzling Markshits gather they always have a good time cancelling people, painting the town green, burning buildings and looting “the people’s” homes and businesses and killing people, especially black people, Slavs and policemen. All good clean fun as I’m sure you’ll agree and simply largely peaceful hi-jinks and youthful high spirits.
Sometimes the Dandy Dazzling Markshits like to pretend that they are flow snakes so that they can remove all the fences (known as “taking a fence”) that define proper tea. However, real flow snakes live everywhere not just where Markshits want them to, and anyway only we Brits make proper tea.
Interestingly, the Dandy Dazzling Markshits are trying very hard to get “protected species” status for the flow snakes as it is alleged that they are very helpful in demonstrating the harm that Righteous Repub Lycans can do to the Repulsive Representative Dems – and to the memory of Curly Marks and his holy book “That’ll Cap It All”. Flow snakes act, so the Markshits claim, like a Steinway in a gold mine.
By and large, flow snakes prefer to live in swamps – especially the one in Washington-dizzy where they can hear the Trumpeter and get tearful with joy as they listen to his brilliant music.
However, a word of warning is good here: ordinary people must avoid flow snakes like the plague for they are incredibly venomous!
Finally, let me tell you, my dear fellow Brits, about a cunning plan that the Repulsive Representative Dems have dreamed up with their fellow Markshits and the Backward Loathsome Mumpers. They are going to try to commit mule fraud and hope that no one notices.
In essence their dastardly plan is very simple: they are going to send a mule to everyone in the U.S.A., even dead people, even people who aren’t American, even people who don’t know if they’re dead or not, and even people who don’t know if they’re in the same place or not. To make things easy later on when they examine the mules they are going to send black mules to black people and white mules to white people.
People of Asian extraction will get an elephant for reasons that I will explain in a moment. The First Nations peoples will get casinos, which are a type of bison that when swallowed whole are guaranteed to make them rich.
Now, the really cunning part of the plan is that everyone has to return their mules after marking them with a special mark that will allow The Glorious Biden and The Magnificent Scybala-Kamala to be elevated . . . sorry . . . aw, forget it! . . . and become an eternal Potus and his only Vice. Obviously it is not expected that the First Nations peoples will return their gambolling Bovidae – marked or unmarked. There’s a limit to the quantity of shit that even Dandy Dazzlers can be expected to handle.
If white mules are returned without the special mark, or with a different mark, they will be very carefully lost. Other white mules with the correct special mark will be retrieved from their store (called a bullet box) to take their place. These other mules will have been very carefully looked after by Dandy Dazzling Markshits who keep the Bullet Boxes clear of wrongly marked mules. The carefully lost mules will simply be dumped in a sack in a ditch somewhere. Oddly enough that treatment doesn’t seem to disturb animal rights activists at all! I’ve been told that that is because they believe that the mules will be made out of paper! You couldn’t make it up, could you?
It is expected by the Repulsive Representative Dems, by the Dandy Dazzling Markshits and by the Backward Loathsome Mumpers that all the black mules will be returned with the special mark. If any black mules get sent back with the wrong mark then the black person who did that will be sent a Krew Kut Flan covered in a sheet of white cotton and they will be forced to cook it on a burning cross, which is very difficult and will teach them the error of their ways.
Asian Americans are not expected to return their elephants, marked or otherwise, because they are too clever to be fooled into taking part in mule fraud with the wrong animal. They will be allowed to keep their pachyderms in their front rooms and this permission has given rise to the phrase “the elephant in the room”.
And that, dear fellow Brits, just about sums up everything you need to know about the forthcoming elevation . . . really, not again, sorry, I can’t help it . . . of The Glorious Epic Joe Biden, a.k.a. Bogus Biden the Bigot, and The Magnificent Scybala-Kamala the Apostle of the Unhinged, Ohmigod Harris.
In passing I hope that you have gained a little insight into the complicated world of American politics. It’s a difficult field of study I know, and it’s taken me over fifty years of hard work to master it. It’s good to share and I’m happy to be of service.