How to Become Miserable

by Kenneth Francis (November 2020)

Jackie Curtis and Ritta Redd, Alice Neel, 1970


So, you’re one of those extremely rare persons who find yourself happy but you want to ‘fit in’ and be miserable like the majority of humankind? Well, below are some 20 tips on how to become unhappy and trapped in a deep depression for the rest of your life.

  1. Choice of Friends: To start on this dark, depressing journey, it’s very important to surround yourself with virtue-signalling morons who love the Establishment. The toxicity of such deplorable parasites will drag you down to your deepest anxieties and unhappiness by gas-lighting you and raping your mind into a zombified state of acedia. Before you know it, these radioactive a******s will drive you to drink, and have you popping Prozac and Xanax like popcorn, while you sit back and watch Keeping Up with the Kardashians.

  2. Relationships: For men: Date a radical feminist with a pierced tongue who hated her father; For women: ditto.

  3. Religion: If you’re a Christian, then you must dump God immediately; or consider instead embracing some New Age mumbo-jumbo beliefs that’ll keep you morally bankrupt and spiritually confused. You will become your own god with full moral autonomy. However, without God, you will be left with no hope, no moral compass, no spiritual feeling of wellbeing, no ultimate meaning, and no feeling special that you are a human being made in the image of God. You’re not. You’re a grown-up worm so get used to it and embrace the absurdity and misery of clinging onto a spec of solar muck being suspended by a sunbeam before it’s eventually incinerated by the sun’s death heat.

  4. Lifestyle: Try to be as degenerate as possible (porn, drugs, and Rap from the hood). Such a lifestyle will lead to a disordered soul; and there’s nothing like a disordered soul to induce full-blown insomnia and deep unhappiness caused by subconscious guilt and shame. The more promiscuous you are, the more your subconscious self, deep down in the dark abyss of your soul, will sporadically emerge and taunt you.

  5. Media: Believe everything you see and read in the mainstream media. Obey what the political propagandist journalists say and the advice they give, especially MSM columnists. After being lied to over and over again by journal-whores who are terrified of losing the jobs, you will descend into misery quite quickly.

  6. Politics: Believe everything lying politicians say. Even though they hate you, make believe they love you and have your best interests at heart.

  7. Body: Cover your body with tattoos and piercings.

  8. Political Party: Become a Democrat.

  9. Love: The greatest love of all is happening to you and you know it, sang Whitney. Learn how to love only yourself and the result is heavy drinking and sleepless nights. You know the only way to a diseased, disordered ego, id and soul, is to love yourself above all else.

  10. Lockdowns: Embrace the Covid lockdowns with gusto. You know it’s less deadly than fresh air, sunlight, face-to-face friendships, and hugs, which are all of the far-right. As for the sporty types: After spending five years every day, pre-lockdown in the gym exercising for that perfect body, watch the flesh blow back up like an elephant as you’re stuck at home all day binging on booze, pizzas and Chinese takeaways. And make sure, especially if you’re a single man living alone, to wear your face-mask as well as a condom while in bed at night. Is there a better way to become nauseatingly miserable beyond repair?

  11. Commercialism: During a lockdown interval, make sure to be obsessed with material consumption. Your life should be all about getting ‘stuff’, especially techno-gadgets and fashionable clothes you’ll never get to show-off due to social-distancing and return of lockdown.

  12. Virtual Friends: Spend as much time as you can on social media, especially your iPhone, as virtual ‘friends’ are the best for ensuring a miserable life.

  13. Hobbies: Nothing can destroy your life more successfully than by converting your back garden into a sanctuary for injured seagulls and incontinent, bad-tempered deaf and blind cats with diabetes. It might make you feel compassionate but it's guaranteed to make you miserable or drive you insane.

  14. Pets: Consider buying a Wuhan bat or a very old, aggressive baboon with a reputation for flinging his poop at his previous owners.

  15. Music: Listen to Mrs Miller’s greatest hits.

  16. TV Viewing: Britain’s Got Talent; Sky/BBC news; Keeping Up with the Kardashians.

  17. Holidays: Johannesburg, Baltimore, Detroit, New York City, Portland, lockdown prison-island Ireland, or Peru.

  18. Entertainment: After lockdown, twice a week, visit the Tate Modern Art Gallery, then afterwards head to London’s West End and watch Agatha Christie’s, The Mouse Trap; later, at home, turn on the latest thriller from Netflix or watch Naked Attraction on TV.

  19. Books: Only read books that are highly recommended by the mainstream media or postmodern self-help books. Such morally bankrupt material is great for triggering subconscious feelings of despair or nausea.

  20. Philosophers: Stay clear of reading any philosopher whose philosophy is rational, unambiguous and morally sound. Only philosophers who were/are vague, cryptic, nonsensical and worshiped by dilettantes are best for wrecking your head. Some examples are Derrida, Heidegger and Wittgenstein.

        Satire aside: As for achieving some semblance of happiness in life, it’s obviously advisable to reject all of the above and embrace the opposite. But don’t take my word for it. The following Bible verses say it more eloquently than I, and in fewer words: Woe unto them that call evil good, and good evil; that put darkness for light, and light for darkness; that put bitter for sweet, and sweet for bitter!’ (Isaiah 5:20); ‘He that troubleth his own house shall inherit the wind: and the fool shall be servant to the wise of heart’ (Proverbs: 11:29); For they have sown the wind, and they shall reap the whirlwind . . .’ (Hosea 8:7); ‘Whoever sows injustice will reap calamity, and the rod of his fury will fail’ (Proverbs 22:8).


Kenneth Francis is a Contributing Editor at New English Review. For the past 20 years, he has worked as an editor in various publications, as well as a university lecturer in journalism. He also holds an MA in Theology and is the author of The Little Book of God, Mind, Cosmos and Truth (St Pauls Publishing) and, most recently, The Terror of Existence: From Ecclesiastes to Theatre of the Absurd (with Theodore Dalrymple).

Follow NER on Twitter @NERIconoclast
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