For a massage , I confessed to being a Chinese spy

By William Corden

I’ve never been a real fan of massages, even though I’ve been an active sportsman for most of my life. I just couldn’t hack the pain of having my tendons stretched and battered, and my inflexible muscles being stretched out like clothes line after a game of squash or after a punishing long run. I would always prefer to let time be the healer and when I was younger, time was indeed the healer.

Now, in my advanced years (I’m 79 years old next week), I can’t go at it as hard as I once did and, as Leonard Cohen put it in one of his songs, “I ache, where I used to play”. Now I need a couple of days of recovery even after a harmless game of golf or a walk to the shops.

My latest golf efforts left me wracked with pain to the point where I could hardly move, so my darling, fabulous wife who is Chinese, booked me in yesterday to see her likewise Chinese friend who is an ace at massaging and getting rid of nodules and knots . She returns joints to free moving machinery parts and muscles to the consistency of marshmallow pie … at least that’s what my treasure touted for her.

Off we goes to her house, one room of which is a mini clinic with massage tables, wedges and elastics which gives the impression that it is only a step or two removed from a medieval torture chamber…. that impression was not far away from the truth as she started on me. MY wife , giving her instructions in Chinese , tells her where I hurt the most , then they exchange stories which I don’t understand but which I’m fairly sure they’re making fun of me.

From the moment she started to try and release some body parts that were tighter than a wound up watch,I was in agony and ecstasy at the same time, she was the strongest individual I have ever come across.

So painful was it that I admitted to being a Chinese spy and volunteered to go to the front in Ukraine if only she’d stop, I even said I would take them to Jimmy Hoffa’s body. This all went on for about 2 hours, after which I was like a rag doll with a heart that only had a couple of beats left in it.

Total Cost? Can$ 100….. cash only, could hardly walk when we left but I’m happy to report that I move today with the fluidity of a fast-moving river, a little bit of pain but this time it’s “good pain”, a bit like saying ” it’s a good cold ” in Edmonton in February.

I’ve offered to marry the masseuse and I think my wife would let me if it stopped me complaining.