Suggested Events for the Islamic Games

By Armando Simón

            I recently learned that there is something called the Islamic Games which take place in different states in America. In it, there are competitions in volleyball, archery, cycling, soccer, etc. However, in looking over the different venues, I feel that the essence of Islam is not truly represented in the games. So, I would respectfully recommend the inclusion of the following events in order to truly represent what Islam is all about.

Pistol shooting. Competitors will be at different distances from the targets which would be representations of a Jew, Buddhist or a Christian. However, since representations of persons is haram in Islam, then a real Jew, Buddhist or Christian could be the target.

Archery. The same setup.

Goat chasing. Competitors will line up and chase a goat. Whoever catches a goat first is the winner. Afterwards, as a perk, the winner can have sex with the goat.

Liquor bottles. Bottles of liquor will be set on tables at different distances from competitors who will attempt to shatter the bottles by throwing small rocks. This event can be either timed or judged by the number of bottles broken. Participants will not be allowed to take home any of the unbroken bottles.

Stone throwing. A woman will be selected who has listened to music, danced, and/or painted her nails and will be tied to a post. At a set distance, competitors will throw rocks at her. Whoever splits her skull and spills her brains on the ground first will be declared the winner. A subdivision of this sport will judge who can throw the heaviest stone at the woman.

Suicide vest division. Participants will compete as to how fast can they run up to a table containing a vest with explosives, strap it on and detonate it. Whoever blows up first wins the competition. Obviously, the participants will have to be placed long distances from each other.

The rape race. White girls will be placed at set distances. Whichever Muslim athlete reaches his target and rapes her will be declared winner. Extra points will be added depending on how badly disfigured is the girl’s face.

Statue desecration. Buddhist and Christian statues will be available and participants will be presented with a hammer. Within a set time, they must smash the statue with the winner being whoever does the most damage.

Inshallah, these proffered events will be incorporated in the games. I am certain that the Prophet—may peace and blessings be upon him—would wholeheartedly agree.