A Letter To Frugal Americans

by Fergus Downie

It turns out we were wrong. One of the consolations we might have expected from millions flooding into the desiccated humanities was the blessing of mass unemployment to its consumers. No fate would be more richly deserved by the spoiled brats erupting into ecstasies of rage and grief at Halloween costumes in Yale, and desecrating Mr Murphy’s neighbourhood. Not to be, alas, and it is pretty clear where this low grade material ended up. Corporate boardrooms and HR departments.

Capitalism has gone woke, and the worst offenders are not going broke however much satisfaction we might derive from plunging sales of feminist razor blades.

I have a solution which will appeal to the thrift and patriotism of conservative Americans. Keep hold of your money and kill two birds with one stone. Save your money. It’ll allow you to wage virtuous class war against the enemy within, and reclench your fist against the grotesque negation of conscience we have raised up in Beijing. All that for the price of a cancelled Amazon subscription.

Start today. Miserliness is the blood of martyrs and the manure of liberty.